Random Restless

7/11/11

Escape from New York Recipes

Coming soon: Creamed Banker Beef on a Shingle,
pictured here under a heat lamp in Hell

Escape from New York

The Tea Party will soon be in power and close down the federal government.  Society will collapse within days, and all the bankers, corporate moguls and media elites will flee New York City, as crackheads take the streets and bloodthirsty mobs chase down stragglers, feed them to homemade guillotines, and use their severed heads to turn the avenues into gruesome bowling alleys.

Without the FAA's air traffic controllers, elites will have to escape by land.  They'll head for their fortified Rockie Mountain compounds in Humvee convoys, guarded by contractors back from Iraq and Afghanistan.


Heartland Meth-Head
But they'll never make it, because the U.S. heartland -- full of crazed, toothless, acne ravaged meth-heads suffering withdrawal from Fox News and armed to the teeth -- will lay waste to enough banker beef to make a buffalo skinner weep with nostalgia.

Before the wild dogs and orphans eat it all, get some for yourself and try a few of the following recipes.

Banker Burritos

Chop up assorted body parts -- toes, ear lobes, and pituitary glands are especially flavorful -- and grill them.  Place the fixin's on a large wheat tortilla, smother them in black beans, salsa, and tofu sour cream, then roll up the burrito.  All that flavor makes it hard to believe you're eating the flesh of one of the most vile predators to ever walk the earth.

Banker Tofu Scramble Orange Julius

Use banker brains, which taste just like tofu, for a new twist on the classic scramble.  Banker brains, fine-tuned for high frequency robbery, are extra large and extra gray.

Chop the brains and saute them in garlic, Thunderbird wine, and Worcestershire sauce.  Then pour the mix into a blender, add six organic eggs, a can of orange juice concentrate (minus the can), and a half pint of vanilla ice cream.  Blend on "liquify" until the concoction starts foaming out the lid of the blender.

Then pour a pint from the blender into a Kool-Aid pitcher, add a quart of 199-proof bathtub vodka, and serve!

Serves six, if you can still see well enough to find another quart of vodka.

Corporate Mogul Tomato-Free Gazpacho

Same recipe as just above, but use the moguls' cheeks -- both facial and buttock -- in place of banker brains.  Mogul cheeks, ripened from a lifetime of gluttony and perversion, impart a smoky tang that will make it hard to believe the gazpacho is tomato-free, and leave you wondering "Where the hell is that bacon smell coming from?!"

Media Elite (Fox News Anchor) Fajitas

(Warning!  Be 200% sure the anchor is 100% dead before you handle them!)

Chop off the anchor's fingers and throw away the rest of the body, as it contains poison concentrated enough to kill a small solar system.

Grill the fingers over a gasoline fire.  Then throw them away too.

Serves all of humanity.