Early Saturday morning a woman hustling a cart through Key Food gleefully announced "The End is here!" Emergency shoppers had already cleared out the potato chip aisle, bought nearly all the canned sardine, and picked out all the single rolls of toilet paper, leaving bulk packages for the flood. Streets were unnaturally quiet as people hunkered down inside; there's nothing like mass apprehension in a big city, waiting for the assault.
I was hoping that, before a satellite dish ripped from a roof came slicing through the blown-out window to chop me in half, I would have the satisfaction of knowing that luxury tower penthouses, with their invulnerable, weather-mocking owners still inside, had been sheared off and sent spinning north, to crash land on icebergs ruled by merciless inbred Vikings marooned centuries ago, and that the towers that house NYC's Feckless Lords of Finance had popped their glass and exploded, or at least got their feet wet.
But after a heart-pumping two day buildup, as our glorious, furious Doomsday Bride approached, ready to scourge, drown and then lift us, cleansed, into the sky...
Nothing.
So instead of being delivered into the loving arms of a wrathful god, we are left to face the dreary prospect of yet more life on earth: Washing the dishes (Didn't I just do that?), brushing our teeth (Didn't I just do that?), and leading shallow lives soothed by constant interruption and babbling screens that promise illumination but deliver just radiation.
Now I know how the Family Radio Worldwide believers felt when doomsday fizzled:
Keith Bauer, a doomsday believer who drove his family from Maryland to experience the Rapture at Family Radio's Oakland offices, told the News he was disappointed.
"I was hoping for it because I think heaven would be a lot better than this Earth," Bauer said.
"I was hoping for it because I think heaven would be a lot better than this Earth," Bauer said.
From The Rapture to A Whimper, from the ultimate satisfaction of seeing your enemies crushed just before you retire to an eternity of bliss, to the realization that the only thing you have to look forward to is deciding which fugitive hope to spend your last $5 on: Caffeine or the New York State Lottery?
Now a chastened believer, I think I'll split my bet between the two...
