Subway Cellphone Etiquette

A woman laughs her head off watching cartoons on her iPad.  An idiot speeds down the platform on a scooter.  A pungent homeless man lives on the unattended side of the 3rd Ave. L station, kept company by containers for bodily input and output, reminding us of our caveman past and likely future.

But nothing promises more subway discomfort than cellphone service, so here are some tips on how to behave inside the communal phone booth:

- If a cellphone user drops their phone on the platform, you should "accidentally" kick it onto the tracks.

- If an oblivious, gesticulating cellphone user has their arms ripped off by an arriving train -- and they do not have a Bluetooth thing clipped to their ear -- find the nearest pay phone, call 911, and report that someone has vandalized a train.

- If they DO have a Bluetooth, ask them to call 911, then feel free to be amused at the hands-free irony of the situation.

- If a cellphone user is talking at you from a foot away like you're invisible, summon your most deadly germs and cough directly in their face.

- If they persist in talking at you, unleash a loud stream of curses at them with your hand cupped over your ear as if you're on the phone.  If they express irritation, look offended and say "Could you mind your own business?  I'm talking to my mother!" ™ ^[1]

- If all else fails, douse them with the Cellphone Repellent pictured below -- armadillos don't belong in the garden, and cellphones don't belong in the subway!

Also repels armadillos, snakes, moles and geese!
[1] Pretty sure I've used that before, and I like it so much I'll take this opportunity to trademark it.