Obama's socialists, applying their godless scientific techniques to counting and sorting us like sardines, have sent a census form cleverly addressed to The Resident at my address -- even though they already know who I am.
Thanks to the Facebook "privacy policy" that stays one step ahead of me in its quest to rip me open -- so advertisers and other Internet predators can toy with my beating heart like an Aztec priest -- any information I give the Census Takers will be easy to link to my tax forms, which means the godless IRS may find out I have fewer than the few hundred dependents I claim.
The Census Takers will want to know personal religious details that are none of their business, like the fact that I have 17 wives. I was going to limit myself to one wife for each month of the year, but five of the first dozen disobeyed me and I had to trade them in. Then each wife has, I don't know, two to ten children apiece, and they're all on welfare.
"Render unto Caesar the bills from Babylon," I say, because I have to spend all the time I'm not procreating becoming more righteous so [God] will notice me, down here in the multitudes of pseudo-righteous phonies.
Then there's the illegal aliens I rented the basement to -- who I'm pretty sure have built a sub-basement and rented it out to aliens from an even more godforsaken country, where the people are not just ignorant savages who can't even speak English, but freckled in the most nauseating hues imaginable, marked by [God] for the suffering they deserve.
I wouldn't mind the hideously freckled illegal aliens so much -- because, being too ugly to come out in the daytime, they would not compete with me for the work I would take if it did not interfere with my procreating and righteousness -- but I've noticed the floor up here is starting to slouch, and I'm worried they might be building a sub-sub-basement themselves down there, to rent out to beings so alien they don't come outside at all.
I would go down and check, but I'm worried I would never come out again!
So the Census Takers can go to hell! Righteous, real Americans like me are as unquantifiable as the number of letters in the name of [God]. And maybe the socialists don't know how many of us there are, but [God] does, and the last time I talked to Him, He said His privacy policy will never change, and that...
What happens in this religion stays in this religion!
Say hallelujah!
[ Trying to Break Down Resistance to the Census ]
