Pretty soon tourists will figure out that the most "new yorky" things left in New York are tourist shops. And all those shops are doomed to lose their lease, so we need to get as much out of tourists as we can now, before they get wise.
As Absolute Ruler of New York, I would do the following:
1) Install a pair of "Welcome to the Big Apple" arches -- like the famous arch in Reno, Nevada, left -- over 34th St. outside Penn Station, where open-top tour buses pass by every 30 seconds heading east.2) Install sprayers on the first arch the buses pass under, to spray the "roofie" drug on tourists so they forget what's going to happen to them.
3) Install incredibly powerful vacuum hoses in the next arch, to suck up everything the drugged tourists wear and carry.
Don't worry! An attendant in an apple costume will be ready to unclog the hoses in case a child, scrawny person, or extra large pair of sweatpants gets sucked into the vacuum.
4) Pay for the program, and enrich the city's coffers, by selling the tourists' cellphones, credit cards, cameras, shoes, etc. to Internet entrepreneurs.
5) Give the tour bus company a cut to take the groggy tourists to Fort Lee, New Jersey and drop them off behind a motel -- so that any complaints about their trip will be about New Jersey!
Earlier: If I Ruled NYC
