Abortion
Something women do to insult those who believe that life -- in the womb or in the tomb, where it can't disagree with them -- is sacred.
America
The place where Real Americans are born. A Real American can sit on their ass in front of the TV their whole life and still be great -- because they were born great! Not to be confused with the notion of racial superiority, though most Real Americans just happen to be bona fied Aryans.
Bipartisan
Meeting the opposition halfway (down into the bowels of hell, home of the GOP, where no one can hear them scream).
Conservative
1. Someone who favors tradition (the tradition of their being in power).
2. Someone who wants to preserve civilization (circa 1000 AD, when people had the freedom to take what they wanted).
Conservative Think Tank
1. An institution defending the rights of a minority* overlooked for far too long!
2. An institution dedicated to making thought pointless.
* Billionaires.
Democracy
A system where you have to spend a lot of money to convince a majority of voters to embrace the asshole within, then shoot themselves in the foot.
Education
Watching Fox News.
Environmental Protection
Illustrated by the photo above of the Ronald Reagan Memorial in Union Square.
Evolution
If students are taught that facts, reason and science are worthwhile, we might as well kiss our ass goodbye.
Freedom
Freedom from responsibility.
Inalienable Rights
1. The right to take what you want.
2. The right to take away others' rights, see Abortion.
3. The right to carry a gun to defend your right to act like an asshole.
4. The right to call certain groups of people by the names they were called before everyone got all politically correct.
Liberal
Simpering Stalinist child-molesting aristocrats. They are candy-ass weaklings, with their effete pinkies sticking out from tea cups, but at the same time they are the most vicious, elitist, fascist force ever known!
Night
Day.
Patriotism
The ability to hide behind the flag or stand in front of troops for photo ops.
Problem Solving
Watching Fox News.
War on Terror
A slogan that gives us the right to rule by fiat.
"We're broke"
What you say when someone wants you to help pay for something -- like fixing a rusty bridge -- that anyone else gets to use.
